I’d like to take this opportunity to reiterate for the millionth time that I’m trans, and that I love my trans fiancée very much.
It also feels important to remind you that I’m fat, we’re both physically disabled and mentally ill, and we definitely fancy the pants off each other.
I’m guessing you’re reading this like, “Katy, what the hell? This is all very obvious stuff.” I’m repeating myself so you’ll take me seriously when I tell you this – if you’re othered, oppressed, and/or disabled by society, and that makes you feel like you’ll never be loved or desired, let me reassure you that you absolutely will be, and you absolutely are.
Somebody, now and in the future, thinks you’re the best person in the world, despite what this cruel and reductive society would like you to believe.
I remember being with an ex-partner who was ashamed to be seen in public with me until I‘d lost a lot of weight. I lost parts of myself to keep them.
There was another ex-partner who I never told I was non-binary, even though we spent basically every day together and I was out of the closet to nearly everyone else, because I was afraid of the binary-centred things they would sometimes say about gender. This time, I hid parts of myself to keep them.
It’s probably not a huge surprise that those romantic relationships dissolved, and both ended with me feeling crushed that I had tried to become more ‘normal’ for these important people and it didn’t even work.
Now, I’m with L. In one of our first discussions we chatted earnestly and curiously about how we were both really, really weird. We liked each other’s weirdnesses. Now, we love each other’s weirdnesses, even the bits we thought nobody could ever look at with loving eyes.
There is someone out there who loves – has loved, will love – someone exactly as you are. There is no need to become smaller, or hide fundamental parts of who you are, so that others will like you, because it is guaranteed that someone will look on your weirdness with love. Many won’t – fuck them. There are so many others who will see the whole of you, hurting and stared at and complicated, and see someone beautiful in all the ways that matter to you. There is no need to become ‘easier’ for the people who say they love you but then, through direct instruction or indirect behaviour, ask you to become less of who you are.
I’m very lucky to have so many people around me who love my fat, GNC, disabled self. These are the people who love me, want me, desire me, and thirst for me as exactly who I am, not in spite of anything or holding out for me to be someone else. These are the people who I know will continue to love me as I change.
I promise this is out there for you, too. You are worthy of all the healthy kinds of attention that feel good to you, whether that’s from one other person, or one hundred, or just from you (because you’re deserving of the kinds of love you want maybe especially when you’re asexual and/or aromantic).
I promise you’re wanted. We’re out there for you, waiting to see the whole of you.
The stock photos of attractive and loved people of all different kinds are from The Gender Spectrum Collection.
You can also click below to buy me a coffee!