There are three important things that you should know about me. I am:
1) obsessed with Christmas,
2) a fan of fantastically ugly clothes, and
3) not easily embarrassed in public.
December is the time when all of this comes together in a perfect storm and the worst of my wardrobe comes out. It’s amazing for me. It’s less great for my family, who each year have to deal with my giant festive earrings and singing Christmas hat. Nevertheless if you, like me, exude a strong Ugly Christmas Sweater energy, here are my top hand-picked choices of Christmas clothes that I own (and one I desperately wish I owned).
Plus-Size Christmas Cat Dress
I can tell you from experience that if, like me, you have a larger-than-life cleavage, the big cat’s face at the top becomes warped and terrifying. None of the printed kittens seem at all happy about being on the dress, and one in particular seems to be screaming. I can’t express how much all of this pleases me. If I could only wear one outfit for the rest of my life it would be this warped screaming kitten dress. I’m not even joking.
Offensive Home Alone Jumper
I own this in green and it’s so comfortable that I’ve been known to start wearing it in September. Several people have not understood the reference and I have had to explain the weird cultural meaning of the insulting quote to them. I will not apologise for any of this.
The Christmaster Suit
I don’t actually own this (YET) because it’s as expensive as it is trippy, but if I did I feel like it would give me migraines. I would, of course, wear it anyway.
Metal Gear Solid Jumper
I’m just a man who’s good at what he does (wearing awful clothing) so I’m finishing this list on an actual artistic masterpiece. The only way I could make this jumper any better is if I could somehow wear my Home Alone jumper underneath.