There are three important things that you should know about me. I am:
1) obsessed with Christmas,
2) a fan of fantastically ugly clothes, and
3) not easily embarrassed in public.
December is the time when all of this comes together in a perfect storm and the worst of my wardrobe comes out. It’s amazing for me. It’s less great for my family, who each year have to deal with my giant festive earrings and singing Christmas hat. Nevertheless if you, like me, exude a strong Ugly Christmas Sweater energy, here are my top hand-picked choices of Christmas clothes that I own (and one I desperately wish I owned).
Plus-Size Christmas Cat Dress
I can tell you from experience that if, like me, you have a larger-than-life cleavage, the big cat’s face at the top becomes warped and terrifying. None of the printed kittens seem at all happy about being on the dress, and one in particular seems to be screaming. I can’t express how much all of this pleases me. If I could only wear one outfit for the rest of my life it would be this warped screaming kitten dress. I’m not even joking.
Offensive Home Alone Jumper
I own this in green and it’s so comfortable that I’ve been known to start wearing it in September. Several people have not understood the reference and I have had to explain the weird cultural meaning of the insulting quote to them. I will not apologise for any of this.
The Christmaster Suit
I don’t actually own this (YET) because it’s as expensive as it is trippy, but if I did I feel like it would give me migraines. I would, of course, wear it anyway.
Metal Gear Solid Jumper
I’m just a man who’s good at what he does (wearing awful clothing) so I’m finishing this list on an actual artistic masterpiece. The only way I could make this jumper any better is if I could somehow wear my Home Alone jumper underneath.
Please tip me if you can so I can buy that awful, awful suit!
2 thoughts on “Four Horrible Christmas Things that I am Excited to Wear to Your Sensible Grown-Up Holiday Party”
Yes, Katy, you have definitely got style. My wife would wear the kitten dress to the most formal affair we could find and think nothing of it. She’s a big fan of that cut and the whole rockabilly look in general. (Which has more cherries and skulls, I know, but we really like cats too, so it’s all good) I’m a metal gear fan from way back, like the beginning, so the Solid Snake sweater would be right up my alley. I’m not so sure about the suit. They sell suits like it around here, with stars and flags and Tiki gods and stuff, but they’re generally low quality and expensive. Now if I could get one from Giorgio Armani…
Thank you for your kindness! Definitely get your wife that kitten dress for Christmas; it’s a thing of beauty.